I feel the grounds beneath me quavering, with little tremors that get stronger in every passing minute…
It feels like quicksand, and the more you struggle, the more you get sucked inside that endless bottom…
That once sturdy ground where I place my hopes and efforts, supported by pillars I thought would never crack and covered with pretty flowery petals, has finally shown a few disturbing signs of endless cracking, threatening to pull down my whole road to life along with it.
And not for the first time I feel true fear. Fear for myself. Fear for my friends. Fear for my family.
In that fear I somehow lost myself, seeking for sympathy among others. Looking for encouragement where I might find them. Devouring that disgusting self-pity like a camel would in an oasis hidden between the dry and sunny Sahara.
Problems which I took for granted slowly revealed their crookedness, when I thought there isn’t any to begin with. Listing them one by one, I shudder with terror everytime I think that there isn’t anything I can do about them, with Time being my greatest enemy.
Degree: Will I finally receive my degree? Have I worked hard enough to attain it? True, I’ve worked harder than all my previous 3 years combined, but will it be enough? I’ve come all the way to the final phase of my academic life, and it is none other than my Individual Project, which is due this Friday. Unfortunately, it’s a far cry from being complete, and my mind has already lost half the battle… Will I ever see the light of day?
Career: I’ve lived on a promise. I’ve been hanging on to hope, uncertainty, refusing to think of the worst case scenario. All those backup plans I made are just excuses not to pursue what I’ve always been dreaming of: to work in the UK for at least 4 years and earn back the money I owe. Just last week, I’ve been told otherwise, that my hopes have been destroyed. Other similar attempts have been knocked out as I lack the time and the effort… What are the moves that are to be made now?
Accomodation & Storage: I thought I’ve settled pretty much on the arrangements for my stuffs, but the quaking grounds will not even let me have a single spot of peace… Options are running away, one by one, and I have no strength to grab them by the reins. Will I ever catch up to running opportunities?
Friendship & Power: Helping is my main objective. It makes me happy to see others happy. Everything else comes in a bonus. I’m fine with being alone, because without expectations in this area, you can do so much more things, uninhibited by people around you. However recently I’ve been noticing my dependencies on human interaction increasing to ends that I even wallow on their sympathy for my plights. Is that what I want? NO! Unfortunately, there is no mistaking it: I have become a person in need of people to listen to my rants. Essientially this is another problem I will need to rid off, or I’ll risk people telling me my efforts are to naught, working with UKEC and all that… Will I make it out from this dark hole?
To meet the ends of my solutions I have reviewed myself and made a few conclusions as well as decisions that I will update from time to time on this little blog of mine. At this very moment I will endeavour to do my best in some urgent situations, and also to start planning for the answers to future problems. My chinese name was not given to me for no reason: I will find my way out of this, and hopefully, I will rebuild my path again with stronger resolve and support.